My Diary
-Krabbit
Disclaimer: This work in no shape or manner attempts to glorify problematic behavioral patterns or claims to be an expert in such matters. This is complete fiction and does not intend to hurt or offend anyone. Trigger warning alert! for readers who may not feel uncomfortable with the topic explored in this writing.
(Author's note at the end)
_______________________
I sensed my brother’s romantic interest in me around the time I turned 12.He was 22.
June 10 ,2010
Today I’m ten years old. Birthdays are supposed to be a huge affair so following tradition , Mum woke me up singing slightly off-tune “Happy birthday” in my ears. Dad had texted me the night before that he’ll come home with the cake in the morning( he was out of town for work). I brushed my teeth , listening eagerly for the bell to ring. I splashed water on my face and then I heard the familiar jingle going off . I ran to the door before Mum could and opened it to see my Dad’s smiling face. I’m proud to say I have a handsome Dad(especially when he gives that crooked grin). He is amazing and he loves Mum very much.
Dad hugged me and gave me the best presents ever! A book on the world of mythology from every corner of the world , brand new editions of my favorite book series to add to my worn-out collection and a necklace with a tear drop shaped pendant .It’s really pretty .My brother insisted in helping me put it on. I think he felt I may accidently hurt myself since I’m really clumsy because he took quite a while locking it around my neck. Over-worrying brother! I should thank him properly though because he got me a smashing present as well: an iPad! We had cake and in the evening I was surprised with a small party with all my friends. I love my family. I wish we all live together happily forever💓.
I marvel at my naivety. Today’s 10-year-olds are more aware than I had been. My letters used to be brief and on point, excepting rare occasions . Looking back on that fateful day, I wish I had observed a bit more. I was always regarded as a highly perceptive child which I find a stupid exaggeration now. If I was oh so perceptive I should have been a bit more observant of the changing tides in the relationship between my brother and I. However I did take note of how much time he took to lock the fairly uncomplicated clasp of the simply designed necklace around my neck. Perhaps he wanted to touch the skin of my neck , if only for a brief moment.
July 9 ,2010
A boy named Adrian proposed to me. He passed me a note and I opened it to see “I like you” written in pink ink .He has a cute handwriting. I wanted to write back to ask him where he got the pink pen from but thought it would be quite a rude answer to a confession so I kept the note. He didn’t push me to reply but I think he is expecting one. Confessions are meant to be replied to . I didn’t want to end up like Mary , who had gone all blushy and silent after her friend confessed to her and he asked for her reply by Sunday which she never did so he took it as an automatic ‘no’.
I needed some time though .So the next day I passed a note back to him, asking him whether he would mind if I take a little time thinking about it . He turned around and smiled at me .Adrian’s smile is cute like my dad’s. I think I can give him an answer very soon.
Also on the list of bad news for today, I came home and couldn't find the note with “I like you” in it. I looked everywhere but no luck. I’m really bummed out about it.
July 10, 2010
I found it! But rotten luck , it was in the pocket of my skirt and the skirt was in the machine so now my “I like you” note is nothing more than soggy remains :,( .
I never put the note in my skirt. Uniform checks were mandatory so I had pressed it between the pages of my textbook and then… I think I intended to put it somewhere safe. So I put it in my diary as far as I can recall which I then put back in my drawer . Here’s what I think happened : My brother who had already started to haunt my room without my knowledge, opened my diary , found the note and put it in my skirt pocket . Then Mum puts in the laundry, presses the buttons and the first ever confession note of my life gets dissolved in the generated whirlpool of soap and water. I can imagine my brother’s smirk of satisfaction; his jealousy sated and his “competition” obliterated.
August 12 , 2011
I don’t like my brother anymore. I don’t know why but he has been oddly mean to me ever since he found out about Adrian. He didn’t know at first. I didn’t tell anyone , not even Mum because 1.she would say no 2.she was already troubled about something but she won’t tell me or brother 3.Dad would know and I was scared he might make me break it off . And brother isn’t always home so… anyways where was I? ah yes my brother’s sudden hatred of Adrian. How do you hate an 11 year old? I’ll never know .But Brother was horrid to him. The last day I had invited Adrian back to my home to do homework together . His mum had already spoken to my mum so it was all jolly good. I wanted to show him my room but I thought it would be too much for a first home visit so we set up our books in the living room. We were there , writing and chatting when suddenly I felt like kissing him on the cheek . I moved towards him slowly and did just that . He turned around to look at me, shocked. I think both of us were red as a tomato. Then he moved towards me too. I thought he wanted to kiss my cheek but I felt him lightly pecking my lips! My lips! Gosh I’m blushing just thinking about it. But hard luck let my brother in the room right at that moment when our lips were touching . So being the ‘adult in case mum’s not home’ he flew into a rage. He shouted at us .He spoke really rudely to poor Adrian who was shaking in fear. I wasn’t really scared so I shouted back too but that made him more mad and he toppled the table with all our books over. ”Get out before I call your parents!” he yelled at poor Adrian. I thought brother would drop him off but he simply opened the front door and expected a boy ten years younger than him to reach home all by himself .Thankfully Mum came home right at that moment so she took him back in our car. I was so angry( I still am ) that I took my stuff and without looking at my brother ran up the stairs and locked my room. I didn’t want to come out the rest of the day but I was hungry so eventually I did go down for dinner.
Perhaps my longest and angriest letter yet in my personal documentation of my 11th year. My letters were always to the point and mostly on the surface but this is the first time I truly let my anger out . My usually kind big brother turned harsh towards me after that day. I didn’t let it bother me that much but I was disappointed that he wasn’t sorry for his actions. I remember him assigning himself as my personal driver to and from school . I had no privacy and no extra time to spend with my boyfriend outside class. I was absolutely gutted about the whole thing .I have an inkling that he kept a tab on my calls and texts too. I was yet to know about his silent snooping in my room. I wished I had been ‘perceptive’ of his jealousy back then. I had never felt trapped like this before.
Mum and Dad paid no attention to this. My brother and I came to know why a year later.
June 10 , 2012
This is the worst birthday of my life. Sometimes I wonder if I did something wrong. I admit that I hid my test papers from my parents once because I got really poor marks in them. Was this karma for lying and hiding? Whatever is happening right now…is this punishment for all the times I’ve been naughty? I don’t know. I thought mum and dad loved each other.
I was too late to notice the tensions simmering between my parents and by the time I did , they were done. Some perceptive child I was indeed. Ha!
June 16, 2012
Mum and Dad sat me and brother down for a ‘serious family discussion’. They had decided to live separately and they are now leaving the choice up to me to decide which parent to stay with. My brother was an adult , so they left it to him to choose to stay with one of them or move out. He asked them if they were still married or if this family was truly broken. Mum said that they have filed for a divorce. I’m 12 and I know what divorce is . I’m 12 and I know my normal life is officially over. What will I tell my friends? Would they even be my friends anymore?
I ended this one on a rather shallow note but I’ve forgiven myself long ago for that. I was a kid and maybe adults would find it laughable, their own bittersweet experiences tainting the memories of such base worries but for a young teen only just beginning to traverse the world of complications ,friends and their opinions mattered. Because she wasn’t an adult yet.
June 17, 2012
I finally made up with my brother.
He’s been hard to handle since the Adrian fiasco last year. Adrian wasn’t mad at me for that but he didn’t really want to go back to my house. And I was trying to wriggle myself out of the whole ‘brother pick-me-up from school’ deal . So I sought help from my female friends and told my brother to drop me off at Nelly’s home for study. He wasn’t entirely convinced but I think he realized he was being a bit too hard on me so he dropped me off. I would wait and watch for his car to disappear around the corner ( Inside Nelly’s house of course I’m not an idiot) then call Adrian and go with him on after-school dates. Nelly also has a boyfriend named Peter so sometimes we would have double dates at her place.
My energy for dates went down after the news of my parents' breakup. I was scared that everyone at school would treat me like a freak. But thankfully no one knows yet and the only ones who know ( Nelly, Peter and Adrian)have been very supportive. And brother’s been gentler on me too .He was almost back to his kind self and he doted on me much .Maybe too much at times. He insists on holding hands during shopping like we’re kids.
He would tighten his hold on my hand whenever he saw a boy in the market or anywhere even staring in my direction. It didn’t matter whether the guy was even looking at me but my brother was careful not to let me near any dude on the street , my age or older , near six feet of me. At times he would wrap his arm around my waist intimately as if I were his lover. I distinctly remember getting weirded out by how he behaved.
Brother treats me to ice cream whenever he picks me up from ‘group study’. We take selfies , my brother’s arms around me snug and tight. We spoke more than we did after his abrupt rage day. My brother has a great smile like dad’s and he had it on the entire time I pointed out stuff to him excitedly. He even bought me clothes! I’m happy I was back on good terms with him. I wish he wouldn't hold me so tight though.
The age of twelve is an unique age. You’re still a kid but you have reached puberty. You can still enjoy your young days but you can’t help but notice things around you and understand stuff that you’ll wonder why you never noticed before. I was still naïve about a lot of things but I was starting to notice how my brother behaved around me. There were times when I caught him staring at me for long amounts of time , enough to make me uncomfortable. For a 22-year old man who liked to work from his family home he had a lot of free time just doting over me and stealing glances. Which brother did that? I had asked myself. The age of 12 was also the turning point of my life. I was still yet to choose with which parent I should live and my dearest brother helped me make that decision swiftly. That’s one of the things I’m most grateful to him for.
September 8 ,2012
I’m scared.
My hands are shaking as I write this down. Never have I thought that I would have to write about something like this . As if my family breaking up wasn’t good enough , I found out about my brother’s creepy deeds too. I’m not sure how to word this…where do I begin from? My head is hurting. It's like I’m about to burst like a volcano with anxiety and anger. OK , I’ll try to put this down in order…I have to write this.
I discovered that my brother sneaks into my room when I’m absent or when I’m asleep. I think he’s been doing it for a long time -why didn’t I realize it sooner? I always felt like someone was watching me when I’m asleep but I thought it was just a side effect of watching too many horror movies(mum and dad would restrict me but they were too busy with their own drama).I found out when I forgot something to take from my room and doubled back only to see him looking around with a dodgy look on his face before slipping through my bedroom door. At first I was confused so I thought of going up secretly and watch if he was hiding something in there. He was rummaging through my laundry basket…and then I saw him take up one of my sweaty tops and sniffed at it like a dog at a piece of meat. His expression…I can’t describe exactly but it sent shivers down my spine. I left before he could notice me.
To add to the list of terrible revelations , it seems he had been reading my diary too.
I was extremely foolish for a supposedly perceptive child. Why did I never think of locking my drawer? At least my diary would have been safe from my brother’s violation.
I know this must be it because he hasn’t been keen on letting me go to Nelly’s house now. He would get all silent and broody whenever he saw me and Adrian walking together out from the school gate. He would ask me weird questions like “Is Adrian the type of guy you like? Should your brother be like that too?” in a casual way like it was normal comparing himself to a 12 year old. He has also been trying to coax me into moving in with him. He said it would be easier on our parents who were going through a tough time themselves. I thought he was right and I thought it would be cool , living with an older brother. None of my friends does that. But…I didn’t want to leave unless I heard Mum and Dad themselves say something. Brother told me they did but not in front of me so as to not hurt my feelings. Why should I believe him though when he has been doing such creepy things? Will he keep on doing them if I move in? I love my brother but I don’t want to be near him at all. I want to go with Mum. I’m going with Mum.
It wasn't like Dad was bad or anything. I loved him. I still do and we meet up quite frequently for dinner dates at his and his girlfriend’s flat. But my fragile 12 year old mind and heart pulled me towards my mother. I wanted to stay with her to feel safe , to be away not from Dad but from his son. Despite him saying that he would move out, he made it clear that he wouldn't mind living with Dad in case I didn’t want to live without a parent after all. I don’t know if choosing my father would have kept me safe. I don’t know if confronting my brother about his behavior would have changed things. I no longer have answers to those questions. All I knew was that I had to get away from him.
September 12,2012
My parents’ divorce is yet to go through fully but Mum has already begun looking at flats . The home we had together would go to Dad. I have limited time . so I decided to present a list of reasons to Mum as to why she should take me with her. Mum has always been career oriented and when she and Dad split , she didn’t really say it but I felt that she wasn’t keen on taking me along. Maybe she thought I would get in the way. I won’t get in the way. I just need to get away. I had to make her see that.
Reasons why you should take me with you ( a list by me)
I’ll be good. No tantrums. No extreme demands.
I’ll be home before curfew
I’ll do my chores and not get in your way
I’ll be the best roommate ever
I’ll do my homework and studies diligently
I love you
There that should do it. Now I have to get Mum alone because I can’t let my brother know. Well he won’t know anyway because I’m writing this down in a separate page. I’m currently filling my diary with mundane stuff to keep him distracted. If I hide the diary he’ll know. He’s smart like that.
I can still remember the ‘meeting’ with my mother, fresh as if it were yesterday. Mum was working on her laptop and I sat down in front of her , quiet and waiting. My luck for once was good as both my father and brother were out that day. I can still picture the slightly horrified look on her face as I read out to her the reasons on why she should take her daughter with her. Mum has always been a highly ambitious career woman and while she loved her family , she valued her career too. She was distressed to think that her child thought she wouldn't want her because she’s free now and technically there was no longer any 'family' to speak of. She hugged me tightly and said “ I accept your offer only because of the sixth clause”
September 13, 2012
Yes! She said yes! I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before. Not even when Adrian confessed to me. Oh , I told Mum about him today as well and she just raised her eyebrows and said “It's alright honey but he has to pass my test”. Then she winked and I felt it would be alright. I’m happy. Dad would be sad though but I have already promised to myself that I’ll visit him. I’m just worried about my brother’s reaction.
I had felt this huge rush of relief and a desire to cry after the decision was made. I wanted to cry for a lot more reasons than just exhilaration of my success. My family was broken and the man I called my brother did not look at me in a pure way. He was pissed and heartbroken when he found out. He went up to my room and had taken my hands between his , begging me to stay with him over and over again. I did not budge. He promised he will visit me as much as he can. I told him firmly that I needed a break from all this mess and I think he understood the hidden meaning in my words because he left my room immediately after that. When we moved, the first thing I did in my new room was sob on my brand new pillows.
I kept my promise well. Mum and Dad were not like bitter exes and they never barred their children from meeting up with either of them. They are in fact good friends now though it took a while for them to get there.
December 1, 2012
The papers were signed, the new home bought and the movers’ job done. We were ready to go. This is the last entry I’m writing under this roof right now; the house I saw as home ever since I was born. Dad was sad but he was understanding about my decision. He loves me a lot. I hope I can have both my parents even after all this.
I had a talk with my brother. He was subdued .I expected him to be super angry but he seemed oddly quiet. We chatted about many things but I sensed he wanted to say more. He asked me to keep in touch and that he’ll pick me up from school as always. He said that with a sort of desperation in his voice. We hugged, his face in my neck and his arms tight around me like vice. I shrugged off my discomfort and held on fast. I owed him that much.
Alright I can hear Mum calling me from downstairs so I’ll be signing off now. Goodbye old room.Goodbye old home.
After that the interaction between me and my brother declined in frequency. Mum and I had moved far away and it wasn’t possible to commute to my old school easily so I transferred. I chose a boarding house on purpose to make it easier on Mum. I may be the only child in the world till date who voluntarily went to boarding school, a fact both my parents still joke about. I tried maintaining long distance with Adrian but the tender time of tweenhood saw emotions changing and fading quickly ; it was hard enough for adults to adhere to such commitment so you can barely expect kids to do the same. Naturally we broke up. I maintained contact with my old friends though while I made new friends in my new school . I have always been sort of a people person. As I grew , my perspective on life and the people around me changed and shifted. My brother in the beginning occasionally suggested we meet up but by then I had the convenient excuse of hostel and pressure of homework to turn him down .Gradually he stopped badgering me. I heard from Dad after that he had moved elsewhere for a job.
2020
I took a deep breath and looked up from the worn pages of my old diary to stare at the clock. There was still some time left. My mind was still in the middle of memories when a hand holding a plastic cup of water flooded my vision. I glanced up to see my mother with a slightly concerned expression on her face. ”Drink” she said kindly” you must be thirsty now”. I took the cup and drained the contents while she moved to sit beside me. She took a peek at my lap and smiled sadly “is that your diary dear?”
“Yup” I threw the cup in the rubbish can beside me and looked down at the open notebook once more , the yellowed pages decorated with green and sometimes with pink sparkle ink accompanied by separate pages I had pasted with glue after we left home. ”I thought this might help” I whispered.
“Honey” Mum began hesitantly “you really don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, you know. There’s more than enough proof already. No matter how he is , he’s still your brother-”
“And your son” I interrupted her. She fell quite. ”And yet” I continued “you are not here to defend him. Because son or not what he did was wrong. It’s beyond wrong”
Mum slumped against the wall. She suddenly appeared older than her actual age “I would have never thought that he had that in him.. I never had a clue. I thought we raised our children good. I thought…well it doesn’t matter now”
Her eyes filled with tears. I moved to hug her sideways.
“Why did you never tell me honey?” she asked me imploringly” Why didn’t you tell me when it was happening? In your room...and with your clothes... my God!”
“Mum calm down please” I said gently but firmly “you need to be strong for this. And to answer your question.. you and Dad were going through a hard time. And the thing with me…it has been going for quite a while. I only noticed it when I turned twelve. I’ve always been a woman of action though” I grinned cockily to make her laugh and she chuckled fondly “I took steps to change my own fate. I was not ready to be a sad first case of my brother’s preying”
And up until this very moment , I didn’t realize how fortunate I had been to be able to escape when I had the chance. I especially realized this when I first heard about the event that led us to this waiting room , waiting for the courtroom to open. Two lawyers passed by the entrance of the room and their voices rang loud and clear in the silent morning.
“Did you hear about the trial of Augustus Brown? Yeah that guy who stalked his cousin’s 10 year old kid before attempting to rape her. Double case of pedophilia and attempted rape .He’s in for hearing today. His family is here and I heard his younger sister Julia is going to testify against him”
I turned my head to glimpse at the clock again. It had stopped showing time. I closed my diary and checked my phone. The display showed 10:00 AM 24th January , Friday. I nudged Mum and together we got up and left the waiting room. It was time.
__________________
Author's note: My Diary was born out of my random musings that stemmed from binge reading the Trials of Apollo series (check it out !) and wondering how the heck did people sit through Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita😶. No reader shaming on this platform though ; in fact I will take this opportunity to express my admiration for readers digesting horrifying masterpieces like Lolita and sitting through horror movies- like you basically winning at life!(ok getting off-track)
Apart from these above mentioned sources , my over-bubbling curiosity led me to search up about a certain brother-sister duo namely Caligula and his 'favorite' sister Julia Drusilla. She gets a mention in the TOA series which is from where my interest gleaned. There's actually a sort of subtle nod to this supposed incest duo by my absolutely original way of naming my characters and another small reference which I'm hoping you can catch 😉😉.
Having ingested all of these sources , naturally thoughts surrounding pedophilia and the people involved in incidents featuring such anomaly consumed my mind. Not speaking for everyone in the world but i believe a general opinion exists that children usually don't recognize the signs of pedophilia or sexual predatory behavior which is why compulsory education in such matters have been inducted into schools( like bad touch , good touch etc.). But what if a child recognizes early signs? How would he or she react? of course I decided to pen it down and see how it turns out . I'll admit I found this tougher to write than the three little brides because I needed to write a diary entry from the perspective of a child. I had to rely on my own childhood personal diaries for that authentic 'grammatical horror' vibe in diary entries. At the same time I had to note down the viewpoint of an adult. Yes ,dealing with dual viewpoints is not as easy as I thought. This has quite been an exercise in writing.
Anyways to cut this overlong Author's note short, I hope you like my attempt at epistolary format with dual- viewpoint storytelling. If you have ever felt or noted creepy or inappropriate behavior from someone you know or someone related to you , I would advice you to immediately inform someone you trust. There's nothing to be sorry or ashamed of. This is not your fault and don't let the perpetrator think it is.
Happy Reading💗
Comments
Post a Comment